Bringing up a teenage boy

Bringing up a teenage boy

“Stop growing up now!!”

Something I repeat in my mind a million times a day..

Its like yesterday that I gave birth to him and he is fifteen already! How?

At times I do wonder what happened to the little boy who clung to me and followed me around; And who is this giant size teenager towering over me, who shaves, has a hoarse voice and is ever ready to contradict and challenge everything I say?

Well, he is my teenage son and much as I have various conflicting thoughts in my mind, I do love him the most, and, in my mind even fifty years later, he’ll always be my little boy.

Much as I crib about these teenage years, where he is neither a child nor a grownup, I honestly love this stage. He might be the reason behind all my grey hair, but he sure is extremely amusing and a never ending source of information and certainly, the reason for my laughter lines and my happy heart.. And my unaffordable facial bills!

Well, as nice and pretty all this may sound, it took me a while to figure how to handle my relationship with my half-grown kid and continue to be the favourite woman in his life (maybe I am delusional on this, but let me have this one please J).

Before I share my self-learnt wisdom with you, remember, you are a mother of a teenager: your bathrooms will always be smelly, the volume will always be loud and no matter how much you clean up, there will always be a lot of mess which you will have to bear with and  the infinite love in your heart for your son will help you in coping up with all this.

So here I go with what I learnt about bringing up a teenage boy!

Choose your Battles:

Your teenage boy will challenge you at every step. Whether it’s clothes, hygiene, friends, music, movies, videos, food, words, anything you can imagine, he will have his view and a contrary opinion ready, and you will be extremely tempted to get into an argument with him. Don’t! Its not worth it and you will lose out on things that actually matter to both of you. Make a list of things that actually matter, like education, respect for others, responsibility etc. Whatever you think are of utmost importance, express your thoughts on those and let go of the rest. I know its tough, but take a deep breath and let go. I mentally make a list of 10 things and choose two out of that 10. It very very difficult, but remember, you are the grownup and you have to be the wiser and the stronger one. And honestly, if you look at it objectively, if someone opposes everything you do, you would stop listening to that person too. I cannot specify enough, but really Choose your Battles! 

Find common interests:

A teenager will have strange taste in music, movies, Netflix series…. In fact in everything… But remember, it’s strange for you, not for him. It’s his interest and his choice. Accept it and try and to go with him on a few things. I decided to watch a particular Netflix series with mine, and honestly, it wasn’t that bad at all. It’s how you bond and create memories. Sitting shoulder to shoulder with you kid and sharing a laugh is a great way to connect. Talk to him about the book or topic that might have gotten under his skin. Trust me you will learn a lot about how your teenage boy thinks and feels. You might even find a common topic or book or a movie that both of you like. Have conversations about those and about his and your ideas regarding that ‘common source’.

Vanity:

Teenage Boys are vain. They are super conscious about their looks and their choice in clothes. Don’t question that. Take a deep breath and let go of what they choose to wear. It’s going to be difficult, but let them carry on with their personal style and try and give a compliment if possible. “You look super handsome love” goes a long way. It will be tough to say these words when your son is wearing torn jeans or shorts made from the expensive denims you got him last month or some weird statement printed t shirt, but force a compliment out of your mouth. I see my son wear sweatshirt hoodie in Mumbai humid weather, and I force myself to compliment him. That’s his style and I don’t want to question it. Also, when he sweats like a pig in this weather, off will come out the hoodie and I can only pray that there is a nice shirt inside that. My son is fifteen and he feels he is the next super model walking the streets of Mumbai. I let him believe that. It’s just not him. Its most boys his age who believe this about themselves and we should let them do so. We just have to play the ever-loving mom, which we definitely are! I do understand that we need to talk about this and let it out of our sytem. I found a few friends I complain to. I suggest you do the same.

Hygiene:  

 Every time I enter my son’s room, I am hit by a smell which can be chemically broken into cologne, stale food, smelly socks, sweat and smelly shoes. I swear I taught him hygiene and cleanliness and bathing and brushing teeth.  How did he forget all that? My answer is, “He is a teenage boy!” Somehow, as these sweet little boys, hit teens, brushing their teeth and bathing becomes very low priority in their things to do. Why? I don’t know. Don’t they understand that people don’t just look at them from far; they come close too? Esp. as they get interested in girls and mostly their dressing up is to look like an irresistible hunk, don’t they realise that no girl will come near a smelly guy? Well mothers, they will take their time to understand that personal hygiene is important too. What do you do as a mother? Stock their bathrooms and dressing area with deodorants and soaps and shampoos and colognes and toothpastes and mouthwashes. And just pray that they use some of it. I wouldn’t advise on telling them too often that they smell. They will not take it well. Personal experience. Once in a while is ok. They are at an age where they value their self-pride a lot and saying these things will dampen that pride. Be subtle and keep a room freshener handy. Don’t fret too much. They will grow into handsome, well turned out men eventually.

Sleep:

On an off day from school, my son wakes up when its times for lunch. First, I thought he was up whole night and was up to no good. So, one night I put an alarm for 1:00 am and walked into his room, hoping to catch him talking on phone or watching something on TV. But I found him fast asleep. Next day when he again got up at noon, I got a little worried and called my doctor, who informed me, that it was all normal. Growing up is exhausting and he is just getting the much-deserved rest.

Show your Love:

We mothers go through a total heart break when we try and hug our teenage boys and they move away. Well, that’s just them being teenagers and acting all mature and grownup, and we mothers have to understand that and get over it. They still are kids who have a whole load of growing up to do and with all the confused thoughts and emotions inside them and their hormones going haywire, they need a lot more of our love and support than before. Give them that. Make them feel secure. Don’t let that cold shoulder fool you. They want you to reach out to them, be there for them and constantly remind them how precious they are to us. But all this needs to be done in a subtle way that doesn’t make them all conscious and feel less macho. My son gets all uncomfortable when I hug him in front of his friends, so now I hug him when he is home. He is totally ok with it and I, very often, get hugs and cuddles without asking, esp. before he leaves for school and when he gets back. They need the love and affection from us as much as we do from them. All we need to do is find a ground where they are comfortable. An advice to all moms, if we can make their life a little easier, then let’s do that. They are dealing with enough as it is.

Be kind:

I know, they at this age where they act as if they don’t care or notice things, but they actually do. I get my son a little gift or make him a special meal every now and then and the smile I get from him is priceless.

Respect their image:

They have an image to keep in front of their friends and peers. They need to look cool. Don’t mess with that. Give them that hug or advice or a little warning when no one is around. You give them that resect and they respect you back.

Friends:

These kids do need a place to hang out. I would advise, let that place be your home. This does mean a lot of noise, mess, teenage body odour and empty fridge. But bear with it. This is a good way to monitor what they are up to and soon you will have them talking to you and coming up with interesting stories. With my son, I realised, that his friends are a very crucial part of who he is and me opening our home to them, made him a little bit happier and a little bit more secure. It also gave him a sense of pride and a deeper sense of ownership when it came to his home. It also made him open up to me a bit more. Plus, he is not going to be around much longer. Another two years and he leaves for higher studies, but I will have beautiful memories of him and his friends and the non-stop chatter and the huge piles of shoes outside the house. My advice, make those memories. You’ll be glad a few years from now that you did so, esp. when they all come back for holidays and your house will still be the place where they all hangout and you get that hug, not just from your son, but all those gawky kids, you grew to love so much.

 Listen:

Always be ready to listen to your teenage son. This means, keep your mouth shut and listen to them talk. Whether you agree with them or not, doesn’t matter. Once they are don’t talking, encourage them to tell you more and then you listen patiently to some more talk. No matter how tired or how busy you are, listen. Once you listen to them enough, they will ask you your opinion. Remember you are their mother. You are their first pillar of strength. Keep that pillar strong. Once you have heard it all, ask “How can I help?” I learnt this from my experience and I realised the value when my son got into some trouble and he came to me first to help him sort it out.  This meant, he did not get into as much mess as he would have otherwise. So again, listen to their talks.

Dads:

Till recently, my son shared all his secrets with me. But now, out of the blue, I see father and son, going in a corner and whisperings to each other. I clearly felt left out and my territory invaded. But then, my husband explained to me that he is growing up and there are certain things a father can answer and also, they are more comfortable discussing a few things with fathers. Much as I disliked this, I did understand it. While growing up I too discussed a few things solely with my mother and that didn’t mean I was any less close to my dad. So, when this happens, try and give them their privacy. After all, dads need their moment of glory too! 😉

Technology:

I never thought I’ll ever have to compete with iPads, smart phones and laptops, let alone Instagram, WhatsApp and Facebook for any man’s attention. But here I was, doing the same. While I crib about these social media and smart gadgets, I do, at the same time, love the fact that while on a school trip, my son sends me images of the pictures he has clicked and updates me about his whereabouts; I do love the fact that I can reach him very easily where ever he might be (If he keeps his phone charged!). I do feel that kids these days spend too much time on their gadgets and various apps, but then that’s how they communicate with each other. That’s how they talk and manage their social life, which is again very important for their overall development. It’s not ok to take this away from them, but what can be done is set a time limit for them, which needs to be followed or consequences happen.

No means No: 

Every teenage boy needs to know this, esp. as they start to date at this age. Teach them that when a boy or a girl, says ‘NO’ it means ‘NO’’ and it’s not negotiable. It means you don’t continue to keep trying. While I say this, I also teach my son, that he has equal power to say NO and demand the same respect for his choice from others. Respect your decision, respect others decision and follow your instinct that tells you to not continue with something.

Adjustment & compassion:

“I just don’t wanna” seems to be these teenagers favourite reply. Well, “At time you just got to wanna” is what I tell mine. I really feel that they need to know that everything is not totally about them. They might be the centre of our universe, but once they go out in the real world, it’s not going to be about them. They need to adjust and accept different people, situations and circumstances. There are people who are different than us, they look different, they live different and talk different and we need to be friends with them. They need to be taught to acknowledge a fellow being’s pain and difficulty and be compassionate. By doing this, you are simply making this world a better place. When I wanted to teach my son these values, I used personal stories (maybe a bit modified0 to explain to him how important it is to be adjusting and to be compassionate. Remember, adjustment and compassion doesn’t mean you teach your child to become a people pleaser or submissive.

Rejection:

I made sure I made both my kids comfortable with rejection. They know that rejection is a part of life. ‘Not everyone will like you and it’s ok. Also, you cannot force anyone to like you, not should you let go of your self-respect and pride or compromise on your values and beliefs for anyone to like you.’ Teach them this. They are going to be out in the real world soon and they need this.

Responsibility and independence:

Well, let’s be clear. Both go hand in hand. Their sudden desire for independence can be a little unnerving, but that’s the age. We all remember us as teenagers, don’t we? Don’t fight their need for independence.  Instead teach them that independence comes only if they take responsibility. It’s a simple equation- Show more responsibility, get more freedom. Be irresponsible, get your freedom curtailed. I started by giving my son small jobs in the house which he had to do everyday and that really helped.

While I am on the topic of responsibility, I genuinely feel that teenagers need to be told that they are responsible for their life and they better pull up their socks and take responsibility for it. What they make out of their lives is in their hands and they need to stop blaming others. We as parents can only support them and help them.

Value trust:

All teenage boys need to know that we trust them. If they break your trust (which they will), take a privilege away and make them earn it back. Never tell them that you will not trust them anymore. They are still very fragile and need constant reminders of our faith in them. They will make their mistakes. Even we did at that age. Go easy on them.

Boundaries:

Discussing boundaries with your teenage son is very important. Set the boundaries with them and teach them to respect those boundaries. But for them to do so, you have to respect their boundaries too. While setting boundaries and rules, be reasonable and realistic. If we expect them to be in bed at 9 and not party with friends, then none of your rules are ever going to be followed.

Be there:

These boys will make mistakes. They will fall flat on their faces, get hurt, lose out on things. Be there for them. Recently, my son took a decision which I did not agree with. I did have numerous conversations with him about my reservations, but being a teenager, who is all of fifteen and a half, he insisted and told me I was being outdated. He went ahead with it but I told him that no matter what happens, I will be there. I really prayed that he is proved right and me wrong. I did not want to see him get hurt. But he did get hurt and he came to me for help. I helped him out and what I got in return was a deep-set faith and trust in my son for me. If ever you are proven right and your kid wrong, don’t gloat and rub it in. They are hurting as it is. Given them the confidence that you are always there to hold their hand and get them back on track. Give them the confidence to confide in you. They are at an age where there are too many temptations and distractions. This faith that they have in you will be their biggest strength.

Show up:

Whether it’s a silly cricket match or a basketball game or a soccer game, or a play that you can’t make sense of, show up. Be there to cheer them. They love it and they can always do with a little bit of support. They will soon grow up to be successful men, but they will remember that you were there for their important events. And these events are very important to them in their minds.

Bringing up a teenage boy is mixture of tenderness, heartbreak, persistence, patience and a whole lot of ‘biting my tongue’. I do question myself very often, whether I am doing things right or not and I am sure, so do all of you reading this. All I can say is, we all do our best and in the end that’s what matters. Our boys will grow up into fine men who will fill our hearts with pride and happiness.

Soon these boys will leave their nests to go out into this world and they will leave a big boy shaped hole in our hearts. But we will have memories to get us by. Where ever they go, they will always come back to us and fill our home, hearts and our arms with love!

PS: To all the men/boys reading this, remember, for your mother, you will always be the one whom she loves the most. Today she is your pillar of strength, but she is getting older. Be her pillar of strength. A hug, a call, a smile and a simple ‘I love you’ means a lot more to her anything in the world. She deserves your time and attention, for had it not been for her, you would not be the wonderful man you are now.